...and still waiting.

Wow. I can't believe it's been a week and a half since I last wrote. Time has flown by incredibly fast since October 1st. I remember being ecstatic about savoring the slow fall season, which is my favorite time of year. Little did I know how much our lives would change a week later. Aside from losing my mom and Chase, I've never been through anything even remotely stressful as this homebuying process has been. I feel like I want to be thankful and angry at the same time. Thankful that we have this opportunity to begin with, and angry (with myself primarily) that I have allowed stress to get the best of me. That I've allowed worry to overtake my thoughts during the day. That I check my email at least fifty times a day waiting to see if we have any word from our lender. That I keep my phone on at all times for the same reason. That I have tried thinking of plan Bs and Cs and Ds in case we don't get approved for our loan. 

I feel like I've missed out on so many things because of emails and phone calls and paperwork and waiting and stress and waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting. and waiting some more. and then still waiting. 

I completely missed October, and finally remembered it on Halloween. That month went fast. Then my birthday snuck up on me out of nowhere, and while I'm thankful that my husband did so many special things for me, I missed out on being fully present because I wondered when we were going to get "the call." And what would happen next in case we didn't get approved. 

I have started every work week with the hopeful anticipation of receiving a call; a word; an encouragement from the lender, but silence has been met on the other end. They don't have a clue as much as we don't, because there is a large back-up at the bank apparently. This has been the case for nearly two weeks. Two. weeks. of. torture. 

I'm mad at myself because I keep getting panicked. We don't have any place to go if we get denied. Two weeks is too short of time to try and secure a loan somewhere else. We had to put in our notice, and don't have plan B figured out. A hotel? Another apartment? My parents? 

I can't listen to music in the car anymore because all I do is pray, and beg, and wait, and pray, and think, and pray some more.  I want this to work out SO bad. We love the home. We love the possibility it holds for us. The neighborhood. The neighbors we've met. We understand that every good and perfect gift comes from God and that if this isn't meant to be, then something better will come around. The thing is, I don't know what to do in the meantime. Losing this house is one thing, but where will we go after that? 

I'm obviously thinking in the worst case scenario spectrum, but the confidence we once had at the beginning of this process has waned because trying to get a mortgage right now after this recession is nothing short of impossible. I am so just fervently praying for some good and speedy news from the bank. Something to help with our progress. We bought appliances... do we keep them? Do we start packing? Do we start looking somewhere else? We just need to know, good or bad. 

So the angry me is mad at myself for letting so many things steal my joy. I almost listed them all here, but I realize I need to just give it over to God. There have been so many people and instances in this process that have proven to be huge and unexpected hurdles, and it's all the strength I can muster to not become frustrated and upset at them, too. It's all so bizzare, that at the end of this, if it doesn't work out, I can only hope God gives me the peace to just look back and say, "this obviously wasn't what you had planned for us, though I'm not sure why you had us go through this."

Otherwise, hopefully we'll get a good-news phone call this week and all will be well. :)

But for those who have asked how the house process is going: still waiting.

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