Transparency

This is something that's really important to me. I feel like transparency isn't for everyone; some prefer to be more guarded, some prefer to be more uninhibited. I'm a little bit down the middle. I more feel like I have things I keep private, but some things that I am entirely okay with being open about. 

I'm being transparent in that I'm admitting the reasons why I blog, why I love to write, and what I share what I do {and don't}. This is more specifically directed towards why I haven't had the desire to write on this blog lately... because I haven't been feeling like things are going well, and that's just not a good excuse. 

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I love blogging because I learn from myself. I am a teacher, but I'm also a learner. And by no means do I feel like people can learn things from my life, but perhaps some of the things I go through {continually, and in the past} can benefit someone else in what they are going through. I feel like at times, I've forged the road because I didn't really have someone's open and honest blog to read when I was going through hard times, nor did I have someone in my life who experienced loss in the way that I did when I experienced that loss. Relateability {is that an actual word?} and authenticity are huge character qualities that I value, and I want to be someone who is relatable, honest and authentic-- with the good, the bad and the ugly. 

Like yesterday. I was certainly not tooting my own horn having made a somewhat rational decision, but it was like, "Oh man. Look at the bullet that was dodged because, thank goodness, I didn't follow my flesh and emotions for once. I could have made a not-so-good situation even worse. Good thing I avoided email response and dealt with it face to face." I hope you all will have the opportunity to do the same, should you ever be in a similar situation. 

Sometimes I'll share on my blog how much I love my husband. Or how much I'm holding onto faith. Or times that we're celebrating together. Things we're excited about. Travel reviews and career developments. You know, things that are easy to talk about. 

So why haven't I been blogging as often lately? Because things haven't been so good, and I don't know what to write about. 

I realized that if I'm going to have an honest blog about how we're navigating through life, I need to be committed to it in the not-so-great times, also. Life isn't made up of great thing after an even better thing, after an amazing thing, after a, "wow, is this my life?!?!!" statement. Some blogs I read include only those times or moments, so I either worry what the heck I'm doing wrong, or am tempted with envy in the fact that, "man, their lives seem to be going so well... I wish mine were like that."
And maybe I am doing something wrong or maybe we're paying for mistakes we've made in some way, or maybe we don't have life completely figured out like other people do. Regardless of what other people choose to share, I am going to be authentic in mine that that means that there's a messy person here with stuff that happens that really stinks. When there are awesome times, I'll write about those. And when there are junk-filled times that I'm not really enjoying, I'll write about those too. 

So here's what we're currently navigating in our lives:

A home that we love, that we've been searching for for sixteen months, that we put an offer on, that was accepted, that we bought appliances for, that we've been scouring Pinterest for design-ideas for, that we applied to House Hunters for, that we visited every single day for the two weeks after offer-acceptance, bringing everyone we know with us. We relished every single first-time-new-home-buyer moment that finding this house involved... until this thing called mortgage+bank approval caught up with us. 

When we looked at this house, we got an estimate on all payment costs associated with the home before we even made an offer. We looked at the bottom line: can we afford the entire mortgage payment on one income? A solid YES. That's what we looked at and the confidence we had when we moved forward. 

We paid off all our debts (minus my student loans; T had a scholarship), we put money into savings, we cut back on travel for this year, we coordinated our lease ending, we own our own cars, we don't have kids yet, we have stable jobs (yes, it is education and yes, we don't make much... but they are career jobs, nonetheless...); we should be the ideal candidates, right?

What wasn't told to us were all of these technical hoops we'd have to jump through in order to get money loaned to us. Words like "mortgage-debt-to-income ratios" and "loan-to-value percentage" and "appraised value vs. selling price" and "5 year mortgage insurance" and "consumer credit vs. mortgage credit" and "well, even though you are not paying this car yourself, since it's in your name and you have 11 payments left until its paid off instead of 10, we can't approve you." Banks vs. mortgage brokers; inspections, appraisals, etc... Fees, fees, fees...

No one prepares you for this stuff. When you go to apply for your loan, you feel like you have a great relationship with your loan officer who knows you, knows your story, knows what you want, and then it goes into underwriting and a person only looks at you as a number and a statistic, not as a human. And then they make a decision about a very personal factor that affects the start of the next step in your life. 

The good news is that we are going through an amazing company right now where our loan is currently in underwriting (fingers crossed!), and they have treated us SO well. (We had a very bad experience prior meeting with this company with a will-remain-unnamed large world bank... NOT the route to go). If you are looking to do anything with mortgage lending or refinancing, I highly recommend Infinity Home Loans.

I feel like we've been on a gigantic emotional roller coaster, and at times I've felt like totally giving up. Timothy has said, "Megan, it's a win-win. We either get the house, or we trust that we've gone through this because God has something better for us. What could be better than His best?" 

It's very humbling when I want to grumble and groan and complain, because man. Look at the "problem" we're facing. We're trying to get a house, for goodness' sakes. It would be great not to waste money on apartment rent anymore, but we could be facing such bigger problems that we're not. God has put people in my life during this home-buying process who have reminded me that every good and perfect thing comes from Him and to keep the faith strong and not give up. I am challenging myself to be excited and optimistic through this instead of discouraged, because a home on Earth is just a temporal thing to begin with. Whatever happens, I know and trust that God has a purpose for it and it's my responsibility to just let go and see what happens. 

So that's where I'm at. Emotions will still be high, disappointment may occur, but elation and excitement could as well. I am just so thankful that we can even be going through this 'stress' right now, and that we're in a place to do so. I have a lot to be grateful for. :) 

So there's transparency for you.



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